It’s been 11 months since our Dani slipped into heaven, a time that Jimmy and I have spent learning to live alone together without her. The fog of paralyzing grief has lifted and life’s blue sky is coming back to focus. I’m beginning to study God’s Word again and feel His Spirit speak to my heart. The trials that required our living out what we’d always said we believed are over for a while, now it’s time to refresh and refill once again.
I’ve recently reached a point of healing that offers more clarity. It’s a vision (in my heart) of a cloud, large, thick, heavy over my life. Not dark and scary like ones of recent. No, this is bright and bulging full of lesson-drops God has been teaching me these painful years. Each drop represents a lush blessing that is interestingly veiled and unidentifiable beyond that. I know each bleb is mine because my initials suspend inside each watery bead, reassuring me that God has indeed been doing a good work.
Instinct tells me that when the time is right each sprinkle will fall on my heart perfectly timed, targeted and ordained to cultivate fresher faith.
I don’t know what each drop holds, except for one, the first to fall from my custom cloud.
When it fell on my heart I fell to my knees. It was the astounding revelation that even though God said no to keeping my daughter, I now love Him more than I have ever loved Him in all my life.
How this droplet could developed from the recent pain-filled times I’ll never understand. It counters human reason. The very God I was once so angry with just before she died, I now love with wild intensity. Oddly, while I don’t understand this counterintuitive outcome, it has most surely fed my faith.
And so…with as much patience and self-control I can muster, I eagerly await the next dewy drop destined for my soul. I pray the Lord will drench your heart as well.
“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.” Deuteronomy 29:29